Ups, mostly downs of amusement parks

Almost everyone spends at least one day at an amusement park in the summer. I’m sure most of you have gone to Kennywood at least once this year. And you know what that day brings:

You wait in line for rollercoasters with toddlers excited for the ride while you shake in your boots. You eat funnel cakes and splash around in the water park where at least half of the water is composed of urine from both young kids and immature adults.

With all the great rides, every park has one thing in common, that is, expensive food. You go into the park and pay twenty $20 for every crappy scrap of food and three days later you find yourself penniless and thinking about robbing convenience store gas stations for Twinkies and Cream Puffs. That really grinds my gears.

Another thing about amusement parks that grinds my gears is the rides with loudspeakers. For one, no one can ever understand what in the world the person on the microphone is mumbling about. For all we know, he or she could be making fun of everyone in line and joking that the tall bald guy’s zipper is down and that the attractive girl in the front should flash everyone a peek at her lacy undergarments. Furthermore, the loudspeaker is anything but loud when you’re standing at the back of the line, but when you reach the front of the line it is so loud that it has Grandma ripping out her hearing aid and crushing it in her dentures.

Amusement parks are also guilty of heavily misleading their visitors. (I am writing this article at 8:27 p.m. on June 20. However, it probably will not reach your eager eyes until a few weeks into school. You have my apologies. I know all you have thought about this summer is this blog.) Anyway, when I recently traveled to Cedar Point, the advertisements promised that a laser show starts every night at 10. The ads cooked up this show to seem as the coolest thing since the thimble. Once started, the show really used the “wow factor” to start things off. It lit up the night with lasers, fire and fireworks. However, soon after this spectacular intro, a little purple bird appeared on the screen and started to dance and sing a song about some volcano. I immediately lost interest and began to feel like a babysitter watching Barney praying for the kids to fall asleep. If something is meant for toddlers and their unwilling parents, someone should really say so.

If there is no one waiting in line for a ride, is it really necessary for current riders to walk around to get back in line? I realize Americans are obese, but that doesn’t mean we all need the extra exercise.

I also realize that some relationships out there are pretty intense, and some degree of public affection is acceptable. But, no one wants to watch a young couple swap spit and grope one another for two hours in the longest line of the day.

Lastly, if there is almost no wait for one of the biggest rollercoasters in the entire park and you see people exiting the ride clutching their chests or necks, DO NOT ride it. The Mean Streak left me with horrible chest pain and a slight concussion to match. I felt heavily misinformed.

All in all, amusement parks are still pretty darn cool. However, they still find themselves as the subject of my first blog of the 2010-11 school year. The fact that what was supposed to be a fun experience ended up in my blog really grinds my gears.

[comments]

Posted by "Chris Claypool" on December 12, at 11:46 p.m.

Dan, I totally agree with everything you're saying. I love amusement parks and all, but I feel they could maybe be a little more fair with their prices. I also wish they would put in misters or something to beat the heat on a hot summer day.

Posted by "Melinda McCorkle" on October 12, at 11:34 a.m.

I completely agree. I absolutely love amusement parks, but hate the long lines and the heat. They're horrible! Everything there is so expensive, too.

Posted by "Anne Brady" on October 4, at 12:20 p.m.

Dan! I absolutely love your blog. It is my favorite part of the TrottyVeck. Keep up the awesome work!

Posted by "Sarah Berry" on October 1, at 12:44 p.m.

Dan, I totally agree with you! Amusement Parks sound soo fun to go to! But once you get there, you realize the "disgustingness" of the park. The food is so expensive and they barely give you ANY food for the money you are paying! The new rollercoaster at Kennywood sounded sooo cool! But I rode it and although it was a good rollercoater, the ride was very short! Amusement parks definitely GRIND MY GEARS!

Posted by "Joe Strellec" on October 1, at 12:43 p.m.

The worst part about waiting in line is the heat. You are so close to everyone else in the line bumping into people until some mean old guy says, "Watch where you're going." I mean who wants to stand in a crowded line for over an hour when it's 90 degrees out. Crowding the line isn't going to get you to the ride any faster, so why make it hotter than it already is.

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