The Agony of Nothingness

It’s a slow day at work and there isn’t one thing to do. I find myself staring at the clock, and time seems to stand still. In this situation, it really was since the clock was broken. I slam my head down on the counter knowing there are still six gut-wrenching hours of complete inactivity ahead. That really grinds my gears.

There is just nothing to do at a slow day of work. I found myself drooling over the December edition of Good Housekeeping because I already flipped through the last 10 issues and memorized the best sugar cookie recipe and the best workouts to slim down that unsightly belly fat.

A slow day at work also invites the opportunity to perform strange and very menial tasks. Here’s a list of some of my recent accomplishments:

First, I memorize the habits of customers. For example, there is an older lady who is usually the first to arrive in the store. She always wears a furry purple top hat and buys one Valley newspaper. She immediately turns to the obituaries to be sure that none of her friends have “kicked the bucket.”

Another older lady comes into the store shortly after the first in order to play the Cash Five. All week she plays these numbers: 10-13-19-29-33. (Don’t play these numbers. She hasn’t won, but if she does and has to split the jackpot with you, she may go all gangsta on me.) She then buys a Valley newspaper and attempts to start a conversation with no one in particular by mentioning that there was a car crash somewhere.

An older man comes in every Sunday and is one of the only people to purchase a Post-Gazette regularly. He also buys a box of green Tic Tacs and pays with three dollars. His change is 83 cents. However, recently he has been skipping the Tic Tacs which must mean his elderly wife/girlfriend is losing her sense of smell as well as her teeth.

A second thing I do on a slow day at work is figuring out the number of Powerball tickets one would need to purchase in order to be guaranteed to win and make a profit. (This number happens to be 33,642,913,920.)

Sometimes I scrub the shelves. Or make paper airplanes. Or write a remake of the song “If I Had You” by Adam Lambert. Mine is titled “If I Dumped You” (“If I dumped you! Then I could actually live happily…”)

A slow day at work also finds me with nothing to do but stare at the shelves full of food around me. I tell myself “just one piece of candy.” Then that one piece turns into two, and two turns into three, and I might stop after a dozen because I envision myself six months from now jiggling away on the new season of “The Biggest Loser.”

Lastly, a slow day at work shortens my temper which might be unleashed against a customer who may not have it all together. For instance, it is easy to become easily angered when customers insist that their prescriptions aren’t priced right or when someone decides to pay for a $12 item with quarters, dimes and nickels.

But then again, a slow day at work isn’t all bad. I make some money, improve my people skills (as well as my willpower) and slightly improve my chances of getting accepted into college. So maybe a slow day at work isn’t all bad . . . nah, it’s still bad. The negatives definitely outweigh the minute positives. I never thought I’d say it but doing nothing at work really grinds my gears.

[comments] 

Posted by "Tom Dubovi" on December 20, at 9:01 a.m.

I had a boring day at work yesterday. I kept thinking about this article.

Posted by "Garrett Miller" on December 19, at 7:21 p.m.

Dan, it's nice to know you're working hard down at the pharmacy. It sounds as if they could train a monkey to do what you do. Just kidding! Good job on this one, Rez! You're like TBS: Very Funny.

Posted by "Tom Dubovi" on December 15, at 11:12 a.m.

At McDonalds we usually don't have slow days. They are really boring when they happen though.

Posted by "Tabetha Ward" on December 14, at 3:53 p.m.

I worked at Dairy Queen for a year, and, especially in the winter, I always found myself having nothing to do. You would be surprised at how many new Blizzards I could invent in just one night. Let me tell you, you should definitely try a Snickers, cookie dough, and rainbow sprinkles Blizzard. It's amazing! I also passed the time by singing into my drive-thru headset. I learned how to press the special button that goes through to speakers in the actual restaurant. Gaga had nothing on me.

Posted by "Anne Brady" on December 13, at 1:04 p.m.

"The Agony of Nothingness" might be my favorite article out of all the "What Grinds My Gears" articles! My sister caught me laughing out loud at the computer. Oops. Great job, Dan!

Posted by "Anthony Shea" on December 10, at 1:26 p.m.

I have to disagree, Dan. Over the summer working as a cook, I would love when no customers would show up, and I could just relax and work on the closing checklist early. It's all on how you look at it.

Posted by "Jessica Pastva" on December 12, at 10:32 p.m.

Dan, I always enjoy reading your articles. I am sure to get a good laugh or two. Keep up the good work!

Posted by "Jeremiah Rowe" on December 9, at 4:25 p.m.

Gotta love the boring days at work. I remember there was nothing like a good cold day sitting in an ice cream pump to make me want to try bobbing for cherry bombs. Excellent job on the article, my man. Keep them coming.

Posted by "Mary Miskinis" on December 9, at 3:39 p.m.

Dan, I absolutely loved this article! I can relate to everything you said probably because we both work at the same place. Every day I work, I stare at the chocolate; I usually end up giving in and buying a piece or two. Slow days at work grind my gears also.

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