Parking atrocities lead to more gear-grinding

I arrived at the mall and was searching for a place to park near the movie theater. I thought I had surely struck gold in the first row, but as I approached the spot, I realized someone had double parked a 1979 Chevy, complete with a completely crushed right fender, no windows and a rotting corpse in the back. Whether he did it because of a lack of parking prowess or in fear of a scratch on his door will forever be a mystery. That really grinds my gears.

As I approached the next row, I thought I surely had the ticket. I rounded the curve and noticed a spot right in the middle of the row. I also found myself looking into the eyes of a mother of three in a minivan directly on the other side of the lot. It was on.

I revved the engine, and her son threw his hands into the air, as well as all of his McDonald’s french fries. I punched the accelerator and found myself in the midst of a maniacal game of chicken, and I would come out the victor as I ripped the emergency brake and drifted perfectly in front of the spot.

My excitement turned to disappointment after I discovered that someone had parked a two-passenger smart car directly on the center line, taking up both spaces.

After finding a parking spot in the grass behind Wal-Mart, I put on my hiking boots before coming to a terrible realization: Fuzziwig’s candy shop and the bungee jump thing were already closed. And I missed the start of the Justin Beiber AND the Yogi Bear movie. It was going to be a sad, sad night.

Not only does people’s inability to park correctly at the mall grind my gears, but I also seem to be easily angered at the people who are unable to parallel park along the street.

While driving to work, already late, I was just feet away from the pharmacy when an older man began to parallel park. I knew that this maneuver was the beginning of the end. With nowhere to go, I put my car in park and watched the torture play out in front of me.

As he started his journey, he turned the wheel just a few degrees, then stopped to adjust both of his mirrors. (Little did he know that it was his poor eyesight that was the real culprit.) After a nearly complete tune-up with an oil change and new front tires, he let his foot off the brake. After inching back a little bit more, he removed his dentures, in fear of them falling out of his gaping mouth while squinting at the rear view mirror. (At this point the mirror was positioned at the tip of his nose.)

I had fallen asleep during the process, but I was awakened by the sound of several blaring horns. Traffic was backed up so far that a man in Vancouver rolled down his window to ask, “Oi! What seems to be the hold up?”

Also, while driving to school, still rubbing the sleepies out of my eyes, I approached my usual parking street. Once there, I discovered that several people had parked just far enough from the cars in front of them, as well as the cars behind them, and were thus taking up three parking spaces. Having finally found a parking space at my house, I huffed and puffed into the building, only to realize I had made it just in time for the eighth period bell to ring.

[comments] 

Posted by "Tom Dubovi" on April 6, at 12:35 p.m.

This was a funny article, Dan. I usually don't have a problem parking for school, though, because nobody takes my parking spot. The mall is a different story. It's impossible to park at the movie theater. It does almost seem like I have to park behind Walmart. I can't wait to read your next article!

Posted by "Jessica Pastva" on March 15, at 9:12 p.m.

As a new driver, I never text and drive. I am too worried about deer jumping out in front of me or ignorant people not following the rules. I never plan on texting and driving because I will only be putting myself and everybody else in danger. If I am ever in the car with someone that is texting while driving, I find no shame in yelling at them. It is much simpler to just wait until you are at a stop sign or a red light to check your phone.

Posted by "Sarah Berry" on March 15, at 6:48 p.m.

I just turned 16 this past summer and I hate when people park stupidly. Granted, I can barely park in the first place, but it is even harder for me to park when people take up two or more the parking spots. It is soooo annoying!

Posted by "Kiersten Horrell" on March 8 , at 5:07 p.m.

Dan, you should really pursue a career in journalism. Your articles are hysterical. Unfortunately, for this one, I must say I am a culprit of terrible parking. Turning the wheel and using my mirrors is one too many things to think about at one time. I am also guilty of getting mad when other people can't park. Maybe DMVs should be stricter on parking before handing out driver's licenses.

Posted by "Melinda McCorkle" on March 7, at 1:22 p.m.

This is so true. I don't even drive and I get annoyed with some people's parking. Over the weekend, someone parked a truck on top of a big pile of snow in the mall parking lot just to get a "close" spot.

Posted by "Anne Brady" on March 7, at 8:35 a.m.

Dan, once again, you've made me laugh out loud while sitting at my computer. Your blogs keep getting better and better. Parking is definitely an issue for me. I don't even drive to school because I know people are going to park ridiculously and leave little space for me to try to squeeze in. Oh, and forget ever trying to find a space at the mall by the movie theater on a Friday night. The huge snow piles that were still there this weekend take up half the parking. Or at least it seems like it.

Posted by "Jacob Iellimo" on March 5, at 1:50 a.m.

Even though I don't drive yet, I know what you are talking about. Obviously I am in cars from time to time and most of the time those cars have to park somewhere. Whether I'm with my dad or with my girlfriend, I try to influence them to find a better spot to park. I really hate whenever one car takes up two spots, and after I give up trying to convince the driver to squeeze in, a search for a new spot begins. I hate parking far away. Maybe I'm just lazy.

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