Meet the awkward starfish 
by Dan Rzewnicki, Editor in Chief
December 19, 2011
We've all done it. During our hot mess of an act, we start to sweat like a greasy monkey. Next comes uncontrollable and unbelievable movements of the extremities, most commonly the hands and arms. Lastly, we begin to yell or mumble indecipherable words.
It may seem fun, romantic, or entertaining at first, but after recalling our experience we wonder, "What the heck was I thinking?" I feel the redness building up in my cheeks thinking about it. Embarrassing or excruciatingly awkward moments really grind my gears.
We can all recall a moment that left the awkward starfish pressed to our hot, red faces, wondering when everyone would just look the other way. We have all embarrassed ourselves with our thoughts, actions and, most often, our words.
I realize that many of our awkward and embarrassing moments result from an extreme misunderstanding. For instance, all too often I have vomited a spew of words that deserve no place in the context of the conversation simply because I failed to understand what someone was saying. So, scared and shaking in my socks, I blurted the first words that popped into my head, usually something like, "I like bread pudding and I don't care who knows!" My lapse of self control then results in an appearance from the awkward starfish.
Embarrassing moments also result from our actions. For example:
- While trying to leave the home of your significant other, Mom went in for the hug that you weren't ready for, resulting in the horizontal body shake.
- After tripping up the stairs, you recover and laugh, assuming that no one was watching. Unfortunately, you realize shortly after that someone was.
- While daydreaming, you sport a rather large smile on your face, only to discover everyone in the room staring a hole into you and the drool hanging from your mouth.
- Shortly after waving emphatically to an approaching car, you realize the driver is actually a complete stranger.
All of these actions, unfortunately, result in an appearance from the awkward starfish.
Many of our embarrassing moments present themselves at a time that we least welcome them – in the presence of our significant others. Often while building up to a powerfully sweet or romantic moment, we shatter the perfect stage set by uttering a completely ridiculous or corny phrase. Even worse, many times we fail to realize that the words just spilled from our mouth left our partner thinking, "What in the world did I get myself into?"
One of our human duties is to embarrass ourselves and to enjoy the embarrassment of others. However, I have discovered a plan to avoid any further embarrassing or awkward moments. Just follow these simple steps.
- Never leave the house again. The Internet contains images of anything in the world you have yet to see.
- If you must leave the house, avoid all conversation with people. Simply smile and nod, and you will survive any conversation, no matter how sticky the situation may seem.
- If you must speak to people, use twenty "go to" words and nothing else. Choose these words wisely, as you will use only these words for the remainder of your life. It may sound horrible at first, but you will spare yourself the embarrassment of the "yes I want bacon" moment when asked if you would like your burger cooked with "pink or no pink."
- If all else fails, communicate only through texting – and be sure to use spellcheck.
The unfortunate part of embarrassing moments is that they are, quite frankly, embarrassing. However, we may find comfort knowing that everyone else in the world has deployed the awkward starfish and fled a scene in shame. We are not alone in our embarrassment, no matter how often it may haunt us. Nevertheless, the fact that I continue to embarrass myself, sometimes several times a day, really grinds my gears.
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