Leave complaining to the expert 
by Dan Rzewnicki, Editor in Chief
September 2, 2011
While enjoying my time in the sun this summer, I stumbled across a brilliant idea. I decided to do the unthinkable: kick off the school year by releasing two blogs at once. Now, I realize how unfathomably exciting this must be for you, but before you hurry and read both at once, I do not accept responsibility for any injuries caused by or related to excessive laughter. Enjoy at your own risk, and please read responsibly.
Complaints are like armpits. Everyone has them and they all stink. I am sure you are now probably thinking, “What a hypocrite! All you do in these blogs is complain!”
While you would be accurate in saying that, I complain quite selflessly. I complain to bring a smile on the faces of my readers and leave each one of you rolling on the floor in uncontrolled laughter. The rest of you wanna-be complainers complain because “it makes you feel better,” and the only thing I want to do while listening to someone complain is fall asleep or wonder what it would be like to be earwax. I am sometimes compelled to tell you complainers that things could be worse. You could have awakened this morning blind and deaf, and then slowly but surely been eaten alive by an angry gaggle of geese. That situation, I guarantee you, would be something to complain about (before the geese finished picking the last bits of flesh from your bones, of course).
If you are going to complain, at least complain about something that is actually important. For instance, don’t cry to everyone because your significant other just broke up with you. Who really cares besides your parents and your best friend that has a secret crush on your now ex- and available significant other? Buy a dog and be supplied with all of the companionship and love with half the cost and drama.
Other people might say, “Yo, man, my dog just died last night. I’ve had that dog since I was 3.” Buy a fish. It will cost half as much and it will be half the work. (Also, if it dies your parents can replace it when you aren’t around and you won’t even know the difference.)
If you’re going to complain, at least complain because you can’t find a pair of shoes to perfectly match your outfit for school. Now that is some serious business.
Lastly, most friends listen to complaints with gritted teeth and a false smile on their faces. No one wants to read or hear about someone complaining through some social network. Your friends don’t want to read the complaints and neither does the stranger you’ve sat next to in homeroom since sixth grade. Stop the madness and save the drama for your mama!
What is the lesson to be learned with this blog? Leave the complaining to the expert. I will be the one to decide what gets to be complained about and I pledge that I will put forth my best effort to make you laugh – even if you are watching “The Notebook.”
Be sure to continue on to my next blog and read about what grinds my gears about the entire summer season. And please, wait until your laughter subsides or has at least been reduced to muffled giggles.
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