Halloween Reflection 2011
by Dan Rzewnicki, Editor in Chief
November 8, 2011
I originally planned to just discuss costume parties in this blog, but then I decided that I was feeling extra grumpy due to the lack of comments on my last blog. So, I concluded that I despise everything about Halloween, even though it’s been over for more than a week. It's going to be a long one, so bear with me, and prepare to be amazed. Halloween really grinds my gears.
With Halloween comes the thrill of being scared. Why we all decide to willingly scare ourselves to the brink of tears is beyond me, but that's what we do. One way to drum up a good scare is at a haunted house. However, no one working in the haunted houses is allowed to touch the customers going through the haunted houses, so why do some people get so unbelievably scared? Furthermore, haunted houses are expensive, and the lines to make it even to the cash register are longer than a line of clowns piling out of a clown car. Every time I have gone to a haunted house, I have been so angry by the time I made it to the front of the line that I stormed through the attraction so fast that I scared the "monsters" more than they scared me.
Another good place for a delightful scream is a scary movie. But I have noticed that many scary movies have become so fake and cheesy that all I can do is laugh at them. For starters, the "scary music" does nothing more than allow me to prepare for whatever is coming – and whatever is coming usually isn't very impressive anyway. Second, if you are going to stab someone, make it real! I want to see blood and guts, not a tiny trickle of blood after a three-foot machete runs through a human body. Last, these people in scary movies need to make smarter, more realistic decisions. In other words, don't walk down the dark hallway, open the scary door or offer help to anyone but yourself. And even the dimmest of the dimwits knows never under any circumstances to go to the cellar alone especially at night.
Carving pumpkins is another Halloween tradition that really grinds my gears. In our modern age of amazing technology, anyone can print out intricate and clever patterns and use them to carve the pumpkin. I believe that is the lazy and uncreative way to manufacture a jack ‘o lantern. I have noticed that due to my lack of artistic ability my one-of-a-kind "creative pumpkins" never look very good at all. They look as if a 4-year-old created one of the patterns and I cut out all the wrong pieces. But my pumpkin is the unique one. At least I tried to be creative. I did not plagiarize someone else’s pumpkin.
When discussing Halloween, who could leave out the glory of trick-or-treating, the one time of the year when children can collect free candy without having to climb into anyone's van or without being forced to use the bathroom correctly (an unfortunate part of my remedial potty training). To start, any parents who want to take their children trick-or-treating need to have some idea of how to behave on a road. For instance, just because there is a crosswalk does not mean anyone can or should sprint across it without warning.
Next, there is a certain age when children become too old for trick-or-treating. If you, my dear readers, are uncertain about whether you fall into that category, you can ask yourself a couple questions. Guys, if you are old enough to think that an afro wig is a sufficient costume, then it is time to get a job and buy your own candy. No exceptions. Girls, if you are old enough to turn a princess costume into something not-so-nice that causes the vice squad to follow you around all evening, then it's time to get a job and buy your own candy. No exceptions.
Lastly, possibly the biggest part of the Halloween season is costume parties. The very first thought that comes to my mind when I’m invited to a costume party is the same question. "What the hell am I going to be?" I never want to be something that everyone has dressed as, such as a fairy princess. However, I am not creative enough to design something unique, like a monarch butterfly costume.
Furthermore, once at the party I am always badgered with the same stupid question: "What are you dressed up as, Man?" Sporting a black cape, fangs and a pale white face, what could I be? Ah! I know! A fireman! No, you idiot, I'm obviously the mailman.
Another thing about parties is proximity. I discovered that I become rather disconcerted when a great deal of people huddle around me and limit my free space. Music and dancing seem to cause people to think they can be all up in my stuff. Back away slowly. Also, if you must be all up on me, at least chew a stick of Orbit after you finish off the French onion dip.
Oh, one more thing about parties. Let's keep these things no worse than PG! In other words, chose a costume that leaves all unmentionables unmentioned, especially if you run out of fingers when counting your curves.
Dancing is another part of parties that tends to get a little out of hand. I highly frown upon raunchy dancing. Just because I am on the dance floor does not give you the invitation to grind on me – especially if your costume is not G-rated.
Halloween truly is a fun holiday. It offers people the opportunity to make fools of themselves as they assume whole new identities for a day, or maybe just a few hours. Some identities can even remain anonymous if cards are played right, an added bonus of the experience.
However, the downsides to Halloween, unfortunately, far outweigh the upsides. Halloween, one of the few holidays that I believe was not created by Hallmark, really grinds my gears.
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