College applications become senior year nightmare

Finally reaching the title of senior comes with many perks, for example: cutting in the lunch line (not that any of the seniors would actually do such a thing), leaving school early and having first crack nearly everything we get in school. However, with senior year also come many other bad things, especially applying to college. Everything about the application process really grinds my gears.

First, the applications require so much information that is totally irrelevant. I'm all for a holistic admissions process that looks beyond my less than stellar SAT score, but is it really necessary for all colleges to know what I was doing on the 67th day of seventh grade?  The applications are so long that by the time I finish one I have even forgotten what college I began applying to or why I decided to apply to the South Harmon Institute of Technology located in a small nudist colony.

Secondly, since many colleges are "going green" (or are just too lazy to open the mail), they have switched to online applications. While they are much easier to fill out, each application site usually requires a username and password. Since I now have more usernames and passwords than teeth (Note to all West Virginian readers: this is actually an impressive statement where I come from), I found I was left with only two options. First, I could use the same password for everything, leaving all of my information available with one good guess – or hack job. Or, I could use a bunch of different passwords that would be very easily remembered at the time – or easily acquired after a few good guesses. For instance, many of my four digit pin numbers may or may not be the numeric equivalent of “fart.”

Then there is the application essay, the fearsome warrior that guards the gates of every half decent college or university, thwarting all the unworthy applicants. I lay awake for days, struggling to make even the first word of my essays portray a writer with a much higher IQ than my own. I began using phrases such as "in addition to my previous statement" instead of "and" or "excuse my absence while I utilize a public facility" instead of "I’m gonna go take a dump."

For weeks the essays (different colleges, different essay topics) were my sworn enemy that I would fight to the bitter end. I checked and re-checked them and edited copy after copy stained with Denise Cechvala's red ink. (In my symbolic fight against the essay, the ink represented the blood of my fallen warriors. And trust me, there were a whole bunch of tiny essay warriors that just weren't strong enough.) By the time the final pristine copy was finished, I sat in a t-shirt drenched in tears with a bowl of week-old chicken liver that I nibbled on for sustenance at my side. The almighty college essay prompts fought hard, but I like to think that I won that battle.

Applying to college is also accompanied with a great many other horrors, such as the undeniable fear of rejection, the fact a few of my friends were accepted to college before I had even sent out the first application and the thought that with the acceptance letter comes the reminder that I may be riding a bike and living off Lucky Charms and Ramen Noodles for the next thirty years in order to pay off student loans.

[comments] 

Posted by "Anne Brady" on October 13, at 11:15 a.m.

Dear Dan, I'm sorry I haven't commented since your first article. I'm slacking. I know. But, I loved this article! It managed to make me laugh out loud while sitting at my desk alone in my dorm room. (My roommate would probably think I was so weird if she was here! Ha ha!) Your article could not be more true. Applying for college was extremely stressful and frustrating, especially with all of the usernames that you have to make. I feel your pain! Been there, done that! But, all of your hard work will pay off when you get into the college of your dreams (which I know you will!). Keep up the good work! :) Love, Your #1 fan, Anne

Posted by "Kyle Snyder" on October 13, at 9:44 p.m.

Dan, although I am now attending school 120 miles away, I am still keeping up with your blogs. They are my daily dose of fun during my second period study hall. I showed your blog to some of my friends and they all loved it. Keep up the good work, Buddy!

Posted by "Amy Barley" on October 7, at 10:24 a.m.

Quality “municipal sanitation workers” are hard to find. I thank the men and women in my neighborhood every chance I get. I appreciate the fact that they take the time to set my garbage cans and recycling bins upright and in my driveway instead of tossing them to the curb. Hang in there, Dan! Your destiny awaits!

Posted by "Kelsey Warrick" on October 6, at 3:05 p.m.

Dan, after the stressful week I've had in college, your piece was just want I needed. You're an amazing writer. Don't ever stop being your funny self.

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